Barney's Imagination Island
(After the intro, we cut not to the G-man, but to Joe Santagato) Joe: Welcome back to Idiots of the Internet part what-the-fuck-ever! We’ve got lots of morons to talk about, so let’s- (His brother Keith enters the frame) Keith: Hey, dude, you got a phone call. Joe: Wha-? Who’s calling? Keith: How should I know? I’m not your damn secretary! Joe: Whatever, just give me the phone. (He takes the phone and puts it up to his ear as Keith walks out of frame) Hello? (Cut to the G-man at his desk) G-man: Hey, is this Joe Santagato? I need your help with a review. Joe: And you are…? G-man: It’s me, the G-man? I just did a crossover review with the FanFic Critic. Joe: Oh, so you know her, do ya? Sorry to disappoint you, buddy, but I don’t associate with someone who works with cringy people! G-man: Hey, I already put her through a shit film, let’s see how she’s doing! (Cut to static and then to the FanFic Critic imitating the Leave Brittney Alone video) FFC: Why? What did I do to you? Leave me alone! I’m just trying to be funny! I just- I do a good job! Leave me alone! (After it ends, we cut to static, and then to Joe) Joe: So, you put the FanFic Critic through a shitty film, and you want me to review one with you as payback? G-man: Uh… Yeah? Joe: Then you and I are going to get along just fine! (He hangs up) So, what film are we reviewing? (Cut to the opening title card) Barney (V.O): It’s Bedtime with Barney! (Cut back to Joe) Joe: Oh, fuck me in the asshole! (Cut back to the opening title card) G-man (V.O): Anyway, we go through that creepy logo again, and we see… (Barney appears) Barney: Oh! Hi there, everybody! I’m so glad that you’re here! (Cut back to Joe) Joe: Oh god… Is he talking to us? G-man: Yes he is… Be very afraid! (Cut back to the film) Barney: We’re just about to start a stupendous adventure! (Cut back to Joe) Joe: Get used the jumping, because he never stops! (Cut back to the film) Barney: With lots of friends, and songs, and some very big surprises! If you want to come along, just use your imagination. Because we’re going to Imagination Island! (Fade to back. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Oh god, the real movie’s starting! (He shivers) (Cut back to the film) Joe (V.O): We’re then sent into a little girl’s room where she is having a slumber party. (Cut back to Joe) Joe: I’m not even going to ask… (Cut back to the film) Mother: …And every child in the whole town knew that this was the beginning of a fun adventure! And so all the little children climbed onto a beautiful ship with sails that went up to the sky! A wonderful ship that could sail clear across the ocean! (Cut back to Joe) Joe: Why the hell are we listening to this?! Where’s the real story?! G-man: Well, you know these movies; it’ll get to the non-existent plot eventually! (Cut back to the film) Joe (V.O): Either way, these are our heroes. So we can expect some top-notch acting! Girl 1: Doesn’t my necklace look beautiful? Girl 2: I don’t know, let me see it! (Cut back to Joe with his mouth agape) Joe: Wow! Even by a dinosaur’s standards, that’s pretty bad! (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): We see them talk about some necklace that nobody should care about- (The text “Plot Point Alert” pops up as a siren is heard. Cut back to Joe) Joe: What the fu-?! I thought you said this thing had no plot! G-man: Huh! I guess I was wrong… Joe: And then… The Devil himself shows up… G-man: Barney? Joe: Yep! (Cut back to the film. The Jaws theme is playing in the background as we cut between the scene, Joe looking worried, and the G-man cowering in fear) Joe: Oh god, here it comes! (Cut back to the film. Barney appears) Girls: Barney! Barney: Hi, Tasha! Hi, Min! Tasha: Barney, you’re not afraid of thunder, are you? Barney: Not me! Min: Then, why are your toes shaking? Barney: My toes? Oh! Well, maybe I just got a little scared… But in a fun way listening to that wonderful story you were reading! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Wow, Barney, you’re really scared of a book? (He snickers) What a wimp! (Cut back to the film) Barney: Just think about it: Tall ships, the open sea, and an island adventure! Wow! Min: I’d love to sail on a big ship! Barney: Well, you could, you know! Tasha and Min: We could? Barney: Sure! You can do anything if you just imagine! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Oh god! Here it comes! (The G-man covers his ears as we cut back to the film. Barney begins singing) Barney: Just imagine! Just imagine! Just imagine all the things that we could be! (During the song, we cut back to the G-man uncovering his ears) G-man: Oh! This… Isn’t that bad! I’m surprised! (Cut back to the film) Tasha: We could go to the moon in a great big balloon… Min: Build a castle by playing pretend! (Cut back to Joe) Joe: Are you kidding me?! It’s like a cheese grater going into my ears! G-man: Well, at least it’s better compared to this: (Cut to a clip from the teddy bear song from Barney Live in New York City) Girl: Me and my teddy getting all ready, getting all ready to play! (Cut back to Joe) Joe: Okay, okay, you’ve made your point! (Cut back to the film. During this, it cuts back and forth between the scene, the G-man waving his fingers along to the music, and Joe looking bored) Kids and Barney: Just imagine! Just imagine! Just imagine all the things that we could be! Imagine all the places we could go and see! Imagination’s fun for you and me! Tasha: We can go anywhere we can be anyone! Barney: We can do it quite easily, too! We just play let’s pretend, and we know in the end it’s so much fun to do! Kids and Barney: Just imagine! Just imagine! Just imagine all the things that we could be! Imagine all the places we could go and see! Imagination’s fun for you and me! Barney: Imagination’s fun for you and me! Tasha: I’m using my imagination! Min: Me too! Barney: Then something fun is bound to happen) (Suddenly, a ball of light pops out of the storybook with Navi’s voice dubbing over it) Navi: Hey! Listen! (The ball of light flies into the closet and stairs pop out) Barney: Twinkle, twinkle, little stairs, up you go to who knows where? (Cut back to Joe) Joe: Yeah, that’s right! Follow the weirdly glowing staircase! I’m sure you’ll be perfectly fine! (Cut back to the film) Min: I’ll go if you will! Tasha: Okay! (The girls climb the stairs. We then cut to the deck of a ship where the two and Barney are now dressed up as sailors) Barney: Welcome aboard! Yo-ho! (The camera pans out to reveal the entire ship. Cut between Joe and the G-man laughing) Joe: Those are the effects in this movie? (He laughs some more) I’ve seen CD-I games with better special effects than this! (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): Okay, now we continue through the ship… Barney (Singing): Sailing, sailing, over the cloudy- (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Uh… No. We’re not listening to this. Skip. (Cut back to the film. A boy appears) Boy: Row, row, row your boat- (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: What the fuck? Skip! (Cut back to the film. Another boy appears) Boy: I’ll sing you a song of a song of the sea! (Cut back to Joe) Joe: What the hell? Skip! (Cut back to the film. Baby Bop appears) BB: My blankie lies over the ocean, my blankie lies over the sea! (Cut back to Joe) Joe: Oh my god, how long is this song?! (Cut to the G-man) G-man: We said skip! (Cut back to the film. BJ appears) BJ A sailor went to sea sea sea- (Cut back to the G-man groaning as cut to static, and then the technical difficulties screen from the Simpsons pops up. After it ends, we cut to static, then back to the G-man) G-man: Are they done? Joe: …Yeah. (Cut back to the film) Joe (V.O): Anyway, Barney has to explain what’s going on to his TV show sidekicks. Boy: What are we out doing here? Barney: Well, thanks to Tasha and Min, we’re on a sailing adventure to find Imagination Island, where there are lots of great surprises! BJ: Wow! What kind of surprises Barney? Barney: First we’re going to see a… Uh… Then after that there’s gonna be a… Uh… And then there’s a… Uh… Oh, gee! I don’t know! (The ship’s wheel starts spinning out of control) BB: I got it! I got it! (Baby Bop starts spinning along with the wheel) BJ: Yep, that’s my little sister! (Cut back to Joe face palming) Joe: What is her purpose? Really? G-man: Hell if I know! (Cut back to the film. The ship is reaching Imagination Island) Tasha: That’s a relief! Barney: What’s a relief, Tasha? Tasha: That we’re getting to the island safe and sound! (To Min) Remember the book? Min: OH, now I remember! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: God! Could their acting be any worse? (Cut back to the film) Min: Just as everyone was getting to the island, there was really big… (Lighting strikes as a storm starts brewing) Kids: Storm! (It begins raining as we cut back to Joe) Joe: (He sighs) Really? Those are the rain effects you’re using? (Cut back to the film) Tasha: Do you think it’s a problem Barney? Barney: I’m sure everything is going to be just fine! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Riiiight… It’s only thunderstorm, you’re on a ship by yourself with a big purple dinosaur, and you’re without your parents. I’m sure nothing bad will happen! (A wave takes over the screen as we cut to a flood in an unknown city. Cut back to the G-man with his eyes wide) G-man: Oh, damn! (Cut back to the film) Joe (V.O): No, of course they land alright! But where, though? It doesn’t seem to be land, but- (The cast looks down to reveal that the ship is stuck in the trees. Cut back to Joe with his mouth agape) Joe: What?! How the fuck is that physically possible? Not even in Lost would this have made sense! I don’t care what crack you were smoking, it just. Wouldn’t. Happen! (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): So they get off the ship with a convenient ladder they have… (Baby Bop pulls out an extremely long ladder as we cut back to Joe) Joe: Why would they have a ladder on a ship? G-man (In sing-song voice): ‘Cause logic doesn’t exist! (Cut back to the film) Barney: Then I think it’s time for a quick change of clothes! (Suddenly, the kids’ sailor clothes change to explorer clothes. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: What do you expect me to do? They can throw anything at me, and I wouldn’t be surprised! (Cut back to the film) Barney: What is that, Tasha? Tasha: It’s a shell that you can blow like a horn! (She does so) BB: Look what I found! Coconuts! Coconuts to bop bop bop! BJ: Oh boy! This tree makes a good drum! Boy: Hey, check this out! It’s a clamshell! (He claps it together) Min: And I can make starfish music! (She rubs a stick up against it) Barney (Singing): We’re far away from the homes we know- (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: What!? Another song? Really?! (Cut back to the film) Barney and kids: This place is called an island, and it’s plain to see it’s got an ocean, and a beach, and greenery! Imagine all the fun things that we’ll find out as we see what an island is all about! BJ: Oh yeah! Barney: It’s a little bit of ground with water all around, a mountain in the middle and a jungley sound. Barney and kids: Birds and the breeze and the coconut trees, that’s what an island is! Barney: That’s when an island is! One more time, now! Barney and kids: That’s what an island is! (Cut to later in the film. Baby Bop swings wide to bang the coconuts, but she misses and bumps into the anchor. After that happens, we cut back to Joe) Joe: What? No! That doesn’t happen! How would Baby Bop deliberately running into the anchor work like that?! G-man: Look, if we point out all of the faults here, we’re gonna be here all day! (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): So they decide it’s best to go do some exploring. (Cut back to Joe) Joe: Of course they don’t just explore, they have to fucking sing! (Cut back to the film. Barney and the kids are singing whilst they explore the island) Barney and kids: We’re going on a jungle adventure to see what we can see! There’s a lion, and a tiger, and great big monkey swinging on the branch of a tree! It looks like a chimpanzee! Oh, here in the jungle, you can hear the loins roar! (They begin roaring as we cut back to Joe) Joe: Wow, pretty good lion impression! Still doesn’t have shit compared to MGM’s, though! (Cut to the MGM lion roaring before we cut back to the film) Barney and kids: Rhinoceros and tigers, and so much more! Hear the snakes hissing in the grass below! See the silly monkeys putting on a show! (Cut to later in the song. One of the boys gets uncomfortably close to the camera, scaring the G-man) G-man: Dah! Get away! Get away! (Cut back to the film. The song ends) G-man (V.O): They eventually get to a house… Min: Do you think we have to go much farther to find help? Barney: I don’t think we’ll have to go any farther! Look! (The camera cuts behind the cast to reveal a house. Cut back to Joe in a suit and tie holding a clipboard) Joe: Hmmm… Make them find a house, but don’t make it look convincing enough to be in a kindergarten classroom… (He smiles) I like this! (Cut back to the film. Barney presses a button to make a valve pop out) Barney: I guess it’s one of those do-it-yourself things! (Barney turns the handle on the valve as we cut back to Joe) Joe: Now, prepare yourself, people! I don’t think you’re ready for this! You’re about to witness one of the greatest performances of our time! (Cut back to the film. A square portion of the door moves out of the way. Revealing a man. Cut between the scene and two reviewers laughing) ???: Hello! Hello, hello, hello, hello! (He notices Barney) Dah! (The square portion of the door closes as he slowly opens the door) Are you… A dinosaur? Barney: That’s right! ???: Excellent! What a relief! I thought I was seeing things! This island heat can do that, you know. Or… Don’t you? Well, no matter! Do come inside! (Cut back to the G-man laughing) G-man: Okay, keep it together! What does his house look like? (Cut back to the film. The man’s house is filled with bright colors and weird-looking machines. Cut back to the G-man laughing) G-man: That’s his house? That looks like something Willy Wonka would build when he’s high! (Cut back to the film) Barney: Oh! There are toys everywhere! ???: Yes! Remarkable, extraordinary, absolutely wonderful toys that I built myself, FOR myself! And if you- AH DAH DAH DAH AH! (He runs over to one of his machines where one of the boy sis about to touch it. He presses a button to make a stop sign pop up) Please, don’t touch! (He touches the boy’s cheeks as we cut back to Joe cringing at the scene) Joe: Um, how about to take your own damn advice and NOT touch the kids like that? (Cut back to the film) ???: I just need some names for my guestbook. (He waves his arms as a guestbook along with a feather pen pops up) ???: Now, let’s see here… Ferdinand, Elvira, Rupert, Catrinka, and… Rapz! (Cut back to the G-man looking confused) G-man: Uh, what was the point of that scene? (Cut back to the film) Barney: But, those aren’t our names! ???: Of course, not! But, no one ever reads this book, anyway! (Cut back to the G-man shrugging for a brief moment before we cut back to the film) So, what do you think your names are? Boy 1: Derek. ???: Delighted! Min: Min. ???: Charmed! Boy 2: Shaun. ???: Thrilled! Tasha: Tasha. ???: Enchanted! Barney: Barney. ???: …Amazed! Barney: So, now that you know us, what’s your name? ???: Professor Erasmus Hugh Tinkerput! (Cut back to Joe laughing) Joe: That’s his name? No wonder he’s fucking insane! (Cut back to the film) PT: I’ll be happy to explain all about… Me! (He plays a record and begins singing. Throughout the song, we cut between the scene, Joe looking bored, and the G-man looking confused) Me, me, me, me, me, me… My name’s Professor Tinkerput. You may think it’s funny but I like very much. I moved right here, and plan to stay, to build my toys, and by the way… Ah, ah, ah! These toys are mine, so please don’t touch! As you can see, I’ve made a lot of toys! I just invent them for myself. I play with them, and they make lots of noise! And then I put them back on the shelf. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Okay, that settles it: This guy is the best Barney villain ever! Joe: Geez, imagine if he was monster from Drag Me to Hell! (Cut to a clip from said film. The monster appears as Tinkerput’s voice is heard) PT: I spend my time making lots of new inventions! I use a bit of everything of got! (Cut back to the film after the song) Barney: Uh, Professor? Don’t you feel a little bit lonely living way out here? PT: Maybe a little, sometimes. But I don’t have to share my marvellous toys with anyone! That’s why I came to Imagination Island! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Are you serious? THAT’S you’re reason? This is weird even for Barney’s standards! (Cut back to the film) PT: …In my airplane. Barney and kids: In your airplane? Tasha: Maybe we can all fly home in his airplane! PT: (He laughs) I’m afraid not, Tasha. You see, I want to stay on this island. So I took my airplane apart, and used all the pieces to make more toys! (Cut back to Joe face palming) Joe: What the fuck is wrong with you?! What if you want to get off Imagination Island? You ever take that into consideration? (Cut back to the film) Joe: (V.O): Anyway, they decide to explain their situation to Tinkerput. Barney: …So tall, that our ship is stuck up in the trees! And we need help to get it down! PT: And I’ll help you get it down, if my name isn’t George Washington! (Cut back to Joe) Joe: But… Your name isn’t George Washington! (Cut back to the film) PT: That’s right! And I can’t help you. (Cut back to Joe) Joe: Why? What the fuck was the point of that scene?! (He sighs) You know what? Let’s try and get through this scene. It can’t be for much longer… (Cut back to the film) Derek: Why can’t you, Professor? PT: Because I have a problem of my own to solve! Here, I’ll show you. (He leads them to a machine) Barney: What is it, Professor? PT: Why, this is the greatest toy I have ever invented! It’s Tinkerput’s Brilliant Balloon Blower! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: It’s a pretty toy, but I’m not sure how that’ll fit in the market… I mean, who would want that? (Cut back to the film) Derek: What’s it supposed to do? PT: Make balloons! Wonderful, colorful balloons of all shapes and sizes! From giant size, down to itty-bitty teeny size! Barney: What are the itty-bitty teeny balloons for? PT: Ants. Having birthday parties. Shaun: But ants don’t have birthday parties. PT: That’s because they don’t have any balloons! (Cut back to Joe on the phone) Joe: Uh huh… Uh huh… Okay, I’ll tell him. Hey, Arkem Asylum called, they’d like to have you back! (Cut back to the film) Derek: What’s wrong with it? PT: Well, alright I’ll show you. (He turns on the machine) Now, everything works fine until we get here. You see, this part here goes round and round and round, but this part’s supposed go up and down to make the Balloon Blower work! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Well, it’s very complicated, you take it apart, and you get a pulley… (Cut back to the film. Tasha inserts her necklace into the machine, and it begins working. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: …Or you could just do that, whatever works. Joe: Okay, I’m not even going to ask where the materials for the balloons came from, or how it works, or anything. Why? Because there really isn’t any goddamn point. (Cut back to the film) PT: This gives me an idea! Yes, I want to try an experiment! I want to try to… Share. Shaun? Would you play with this toy, please? Shaun: Well, if it would help, I’d be glad to! (Shaun turns a crank that makes a ball go up and hit a bunch of instruments before ending back where it started. Cut back to Joe) Joe: Wow, that’d be fun for about once! (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): So then we go through some sort of montage where Tinkerput learns to share, when he has another surprise! PT: Barney, you should play, too! Barney: Me? Oh boy! I wonder what kind of toy he’s got for me? (Tinkerput comes in on a bicycle with a machine with loads of instruments on it) PT: Here it is! This is Tinkerput’s Marvellous Musical Mechanism! (Cut back to the G-man clearing is throat) G-man: And I repeat: Who the hell would want that?! (Cut back to the film) Joe (V.O): Anyway, we get another song. But since we need a break, we’ll just skip this one. (Cut to after the song) PT: I am happier than I have been in years and years! Thanks to all of you! And do you know what? Barney and kids: What? PT: It feels so good to share my toys, that I’d like to leave this island and invent new toys to share with boys and girls all over the world! Derek: Whoa, that’s great! Min: You could leave the island with us! PT: Yes! Yes, I’ll do it! Barney: Hooray! But there’s just one thing… PT: Yes? Barney: Our ship is still stuck at the top of those palm trees! Can you help us get it down, Professor Tinkerput? PT: This will take an extraordinary exceptional fabulously-fantastic idea! And… (Cut back to Joe) Joe: Yes? (Cut back to the film) PT: …I don’t have one yet. (Cut back to Joe) Joe: Gah! Fuck you, you cocktease! (Cut back to the film) Barney: I guess you’ll need to wear your thinking cap for this one. PT: That’s just what I’ll do! (A hat lowers down from the ceiling) My thinking cap. (He puts it on and starts moving around sporadically. Cut back to the G-man with his eyes wide briefly before we cut back to the film) PT: Aha! Barney and kids: Aha? PT: Just now, I thought about one hundred and fifty-three ideas, and… (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Yes? (Cut back to the film) PT: There’s one thing I’m absolutely sure of! (Cut back to Joe) Joe: Go on… (Cut back to the film) PT: There is no way to get your ship down from those trees! (Cut back to the G-man groaning) G-man: God-fucking-damnit! Wait, why is he smiling? (Cut back to the film) PT: Because I think there is another way to sail your ship! And just wait until you see what it is! (Cut back to Joe) Joe: Alright! This should be interesting! (Cut back to the film. The ship is flying with the help of a bunch of balloons. Cut back to Joe with his mouth agape and his eyes wide) Joe: What the-!? Are you seriously telling me that this ship is being lifted with fucking balloons?! G-man: Joe, don’t even start that! The film’s almost done, okay? Joe: Fine! (Cut back to the film) BJ: Derek, do you see your house yet? Derek: No, not yet… No, wait! There’s our school! Hey, everybody, we’re almost home! Barney: Already? Gee, how time flies! PT: Oh, and Tasha, before I forget, there’s something I have that is all yours! (He pulls out Tasha’s necklace) Tasha: It’s my necklace! Don’t you need it for your balloon machine? PT: Not anymore! You see, I can make another necklace just like this one at my new toy workshop! Tasha: You can? PT: Of course! Because I’ll always remember this necklace, and all your wonderful friends, and how you taught me to share! Tasha: And we’ll always remember you, Professor Tinkerput! (Cut back to Joe) Joe: Oh yeah, I’ll defiantly remember you… In therapy! (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): Well, we made it to the end. There’s only one more song to skip through so we can see the girl’s back home. (Cut back to the girls’ home. Their parents come in) Mother: Okay, girls. It’s been five minutes! (Cut back to the G-man looking very skeptic) G-man: You don’t say! (Cut back to the film) Joe (V.O): So, it looks like it was all a drea- (The ship flies by the window as we cut back to Joe) Joe: Wait! So it wasn’t a dream?! Whatever, the films over. What did you expect? It’s Barney! G-man: Well, that was another Barney movie! Thank god I don’t have to watch another one of these! Well, what am I reviewing next time? (The poster for Barney’s Great Adventure pops up briefly as we cut back to the G-man) G-man: Well, Joe. Want to go for another-? (Before he can finish his sentence, Joe runs out of frame) G-man: Crap… Category:Episode